Learning by Nick Youngson CC BY-SA 3.0 Alpha Stock Images
The second unit of my three-unit residency began last week. My first unit of Clinical Pastoral Education in the hospital involved some hard work of self-exploration and interpersonal growth. I became better acquainted with the strengths and shortcomings of the role of “the responsible one” which I regularly take on in groups, how that role was formed by my family history, and how it might serve me well to moderate my overactive tendency to take responsibility for others. I observed that part of what it means to be “competent” is knowing when to ask for help. I noticed how ministering to people who are suffering tapped into painful feelings and hard questions, and I learned that part of what makes it hard to connect to others’ pain is when I’m not connected to my own. I learned that this work is exhausting and hard, some days devastatingly so, but I love it.

At the start of this new unit, I’ve crafted three new learning goals for myself, in covenant with my peers and supervisors, for the months ahead. If you are following my journey, or embarking on a similar journey of your own and looking for examples, I hope they will be of use. They are written in alignment with the Objectives for Level II CPE, as outlined by the Association for Clinical Pastoral Education (ACPE).

GOAL: I will practice speaking my truth.
In the last unit, I became further aware of my role as “peacemaker,” and how my inclination to take care of others can block me from expressing my feelings in the moment. I saw how my hesitation to create disharmony held me back from confronting others, even when doing so would relieve some of my inner pressure and provide an opportunity for both of us to grow. There were a few occasions in IPR where I, in retrospect, observed myself going along with something a peer or supervisor said, easily ignoring the inner voice that did not wholly concur. I also saw this struggle manifest in several conversations with patients who were “unreliable narrators,” whose description of reality differed distinctly from my own, and where I struggled to journey with them without denying my own sense of truth. I would like to deepen my ownership of and confidence in my own sense of truth, and explore the use of appropriate confrontation in pastoral care.

GOAL: I will reflect on my pastoral theology of suffering.
I have found that some of the difficulty I encounter in connecting to the suffering of others is being disconnected from my own suffering. I began to work on this in the previous unit, reflecting on pain connected to having a learning disorder as a child and being required to take medication I feared would change who I was. My own story suggested a theology of resurrection with room for emotional ambiguity, and became a source of connection with the experiences many people suffering from mental illness. I would like to further specify and clarify the connection between my theology and ministry to those who are suffering, and how these are informed by my own experiences.

GOAL: I will explore the use of creative interventions in nurturing a spiritually inclusive pastoral practice.
I am sometimes limited in offering spiritual counsel to people from different traditions because of my limited knowledge of that tradition. I have observed, particularly in the context of spirituality group on the Adult Psych floor, how music and poetry can foster connection to self and others across faith traditions. I want to expand my repertoire of pastoral care interventions to offer spiritual counsel to individuals and families across diverse faith contexts.

***UPDATE August 5, 2018: The above goals were written according to Level II Outcomes. If you’d like to see the goals I wrote for Level I Outcomes from the first unit of my residency, you can read them here.***